An Ode to Warren G. Harding

Oh, Warren Gamaliel Harding

(may I call you Warren G?)

It is of you we sing.

One day, in your honor, we will party.

*

Twenty-ninth President of these United States,

Beloved/reviled by all,

Most corrupt President of the United States,

First Baptist to hold that office.

Correlation does not equal causation.

Except when it does.

In this case, I don’t know.

*

But what do historians know?

Not much, that’s for sure.

Of the Baptist presidents four,

They say only the Honorable William Jefferson Rodham Clinton* matches your fame for scandals galore.

*

All you did was give kickbacks and make illegal land deals+

       Was that really so wrong?

Yes, yes it was.

*

And with your waffles you enjoyed gravy and steak.

         Was that really so wrong?

Again, yes, it was a mistake.

Fried chicken is far better. I know,

        Even though I have never eaten steak and gravy with waffles.

        It just doesn’t sound good.

*

We thought your recipe was exclusive to the Calvary Cookbook,

But as Marcie discovered, it’s online nearly everywhere you look.

But that’s okay, because you were never only ours to keep.

After all, the whole country was responsible for helping elect you.

          Especially Ohio, your native land.

As someone once said about you, “I guess you have to be proud of something . . .

. . . Or at least know that you were not our fault.”

*

All you did was engage in cronyism.

     Was that really so wrong?

Again, yes, and please stop asking.

The answer will stay the same.

It will never change.

*

And yet, we know that we are all sinners saved by Grace,

which is (truthfully) why we find ourselves in this church place.

*

And yet, I can’t help but think that 1 Peter 4:8 has a special addendum for you:

“Love covers a multitude of sins . . .

         But come on, Warren G.,

          Seriously?”

*

But I’ll give you this:

      You helped World War I toward an Armistice.

      You endorsed civil rights and equality for all.

      You ended US occupation of the Dominican Republic, but really, the credit shouldn’t go to you.

       That was the work of your Secretary of State, fellow Calvary member Charles Evans Hughes.

Of all the presidents, you wore the biggest shoe.

        Come on, man, what’s wrong with you?

         Why are your feet so big?

         Stop eating so many waffles.

*

As I learned from Trey Berry,

         History can be scary.

And historians are just people who’ve read a lot of books

        (and done research, teaching, institutional service, professional service . . . sorry, I’m getting off track)

What do they know?

         After all, they also classify my man Millard as failed.

         But he was handsome, and in Queen Victoria’s eyes, all other men paled.

So what do they know?

       Actually a lot.

*

Warren G., what will we do with you?

Were you just a POTUS with strengths and weaknesses like all the rest?

Or did you really fail the test?

That depends on who you’re asking,

But if you ask me,

I’d say the only way to find out is to have a party

With that delicious waffle recipe.

THE END!

* But honestly, do we really have to claim him?  He attended a Methodist church while President.  I think we can pin this on them.

+ See also:  Rodham, Bill and Hillary, Methodists.